He’s asking me to be somebody that I’ve never been. Maybe we have to adapt, to change, to give in, less of me, more of us. Where is the line between adaptation- that gray area of acculturation and assimiliation. I don’t mind, to a certain extent its good, my rough edges are hewn down, my selfish nature challenged, my independance harnessed. I give a little, he gives a little- its like bonding a clay handle onto its unfinished counterpart, the pot. Both get scraped and cut, and the adhesion is applied with a lot of careful pressure, a sure way to create a strong lasting bond once its been fired. How much scraping and cutting are due? How much careful pressure until the fragile items are manipulated beyond what is good and all that is left has become slimy grit good for nothing.
I don’t want to become someone I’m not. I don’t want to conform my body to be Barbie, my mind to be Einstein, my fashion to be model-worthy. I can’t dedicate myself to becoming something that I’m not, something that you want me to be. I will never reach the ideal in your mind, I think I’m tired of trying.
The solution, to learn the way of loving like Jesus. Simple in words, striking in action, suicide in mission. To love like Jesus did, take people as they are, but challenge them to be more. Heal them, but call them to responsibility, preach to them, but take compassion upon them. Illustrate and paint a picture with words, laugh like a kid, dine with the wealthy, look up into trees. I don’t know how to love like Jesus loved. He spent himself. He poured out his life. He wasted his words on rotten people, wasted his tears on mortals, wasted his time on the faithless. He spoke hard truth with gentleness, conviction with grace. Razors of iniquity bit into his holiness and He loved, and He loved and He loved.
Honestly, I shake my head at that kind of love. It is not loving with words or tongue, but with action and in truth (1 Jn.). It is a radical kind of love that befudles my mind, something that twists my logic and shakes me out of Beth-Centricity. He wants me to be something different, because if I continue to live the way I do, and he lives the way he does and we walk side by side- nothing has changed. It is the same self-serving love under the same roof. But loving in the manner of Jesus requires a laying down, an others-focused mind. It is one setting the others’ need above my own, it is the other considering my need above their own- it is a binding together of interdependent love under one roof that will show the world, whos me, and whos Him.